Are You Missing A Permission?

I have been working intermittently with someone who has a huge amount of wholeness, follows directions impeccably, but simply has very little initiative in life.

We have talked through the fact that slaves obey and sons create, but there has been no movement.  Seems to be more than a spirit of slavery.

Today I realized that she came out of a home and a religious stream that withheld permissions.  Specifically, her father absolutely dominated every facet of the home.  He did the grocery shopping, defined the food they ate, determined who their friends were, what they did for holidays and everything else in between.

Her mother was compliant and executed as directed.  She had no permission to be a person, much less a woman or a wife.

The religious stream “Sally” went into was equally as repressive, with the leader having all permission, and any initiative on the part of the people being deemed rebellion or an independent spirit.

I asked Father to come to Sally’s spirit and to give her the appropriate permissions to be who she was made to be at this point in her life.  There was a very tender moment.

I pondered that for a while.  Sally’s father was extreme in his predatory, smothering control.  BUT, almost every spouse and every parent has denied permission to someone.  It might be worth your time to look at that picture.

As I looked at my childhood, the biggest withholding of permission from Dad was permission to risk in relationships.  We could risk with tarantulas, snakes, and sting rays, but people were deemed horrendously dangerous and we were to walk very conservatively in regards to our associates.

I am not sure where it happened, but somewhere along the way I was given (or took!) permission to associate with rabble, road kill and assorted dangerous bipeds.  I might be better off with a tad bit of Dad’s caution these days, but the horse is out of the barn on this issue.

I looked at Mom.  Couldn’t find a single area where she withheld a permission that would be useful for me as an adult.  All of the withholdings were quite useful for keeping this black sheep alive during a turbulent childhood.

Then I looked at their marriage.  Dad DEFINITELY withheld permission for Mom to have her own theological ideas.  He was the sole arbiter of theological orthodoxy for his entire family.  On that one, I distinctly remember when and where God gave me permission to be my own man in terms of my beliefs.

Then I looked at Mom and permissions given to Dad.  I hit a black hole there.  I couldn’t think of any single permission that she could have given him!  Not sure what that means.

Anyway, it was a worthwhile exercise for me, just to see how nuanced permissions could be.  Dad might have been considered guilty of child endangering for all of the permissions he gave us to work with power tools and to roam the jungle and the river with all of its pests.  He was a highly permissive father in that regard, but in one other niche, not so much.

For those of you coaching people on a journey, you might add this to your tool box and see if you can easily release some people who are still walking in the shadow of parental lack of permission.

Copyright June 2017 by Arthur Burk


Geo Brain Project Report #1


We certainly got a massive reaction to the last blog.  It has been out less than 18 hours and there has been a flood of response.  I have chosen a team of five people from five nations for our guinea pig test run.

My view of the brain is a bit primitive.  I see a whole bunch of micro computers all networked together.  There are only three questions, ever.

Is the data coming in bad?  Is the computer crunching the data ineffectively?  Is the data going out compromised before it gets to the next station in the network?

So the incoming data can be bad because the computer module before the one we are looking at is giving bad data, or because the neurological pathway is flawed on an organic level, or because there is a spiritual structure there impairing communication, or because there is a sentient creature.

Same goes for the transfer of data to the next module.

And a local module can be genetically defined around different parameters than we wish it were, or it could be shaped through nurture to be sub par in an area where God designed it to operate robustly, or there could be emotional wounds or critters or structures impairing it.

We will start with deliverance in case there are critters or structures impairing one of the three functions.  Critters are easy, so we want to get them out of the way.

For this one, I am working with three different seers who have specialty skills.  I will meet with each one of the seers, one at a time, by phone and go down the list of the five players looking at the two salient parts of the brain, and the feedback loop to see what they see in terms of critters and structures.

Once we feel there is a clean field, I will ping each of the five and ask them whether anything changed.  I doubt this is primarily a deliverance issue.

I am skeptical that there are issues of woundedness causing damage here, so we will broadly ignore that.

Then I will ask the three seers to take a baseline “picture” of the components in question.

I will develop some strategies to speak to their spirit about how to nurture those three components and start coaching them from a distance, with possibly an occasional call.

Periodically I will check with the seers to see if the brains in question look any different, and I will check with the test group to see if they are functioning differently, and report the results here.

The premise of the standard brain researchers is that this is an organic design dynamic.  Either you were wired up right or you weren’t and you should just deal with it if you weren’t.

And that MAY be true.  This whole exercise might be a total dud.  BUT, we won’t know until we try to see if we can retroactively nurture that feedback loop.

If we get some decent results, then we will record some material and run a larger test group.  If results still hold, we will mainstream it.

So that is the game plan.

For purposes of discussion with privacy, I have renamed all of the players in our test group with D names.

Deana in the US.

Debbie in Germany.

Dolores in Canada.

Dorothy in the Philippines.

Danielle in South Africa.

Since I am currently in Europe on a three nation speaking tour, it will probably be at least two weeks before we have our first report.

For those of you tracking with us, prayer would be highly valued.

Copyright June 2017 by Arthur Burk

Experimenting with Causes of Geographic Disorientation

In the last few days I read a book on how the brain functions.  This author has a contrarian view which he defends passionately.  However, at the end of the day, his model is strictly nature vs. nurture + woundedness.  Old, old stuff.

I alternated between irritation and sadness over the inadequate frame for explaining what causes the brain to do things they don’t understand.  There is no room in most models for the human spirit, alien human spirits, demons, spiritual structures, trauma bonds to time or land, soul ties, curses and covenants, yet all of those things are going to impact brain function for better or for worse (usually the later).

In the midst of the same-old-same-old, there was a nugget that intrigued me.  He identified with significant precision the feedback loop that is responsible for someone being well oriented geographically vs. those who easily get lost in a new city, or who historically are disoriented in any place but their most familiar turf.

I have some theories about what might be going on there beyond the organic component and am interested in testing my theories.

The problem is, I am quite busy now with sundry other worthy projects, so I can’t really justify the time to go deep.  The dream scenario is that you come here, we do a battery of tests, then do follow up ministry to your spirit and confrontation of anything else that does not belong there.  Then in addition to tracking the anecdotal reports of change, you would come back for another battery of tests to compare hard data before and after so as to have something to present to the skeptics.

I simply cannot afford that kind of time.

So here is the skinny version. We will skip all the before and after testing and simply go with discernment and your reporting.  AND in the interest of efficiency, instead of trying to synchronize schedules for repeated ministry calls, I am simply going to ask for a spiritual “power of attorney” for me and my team to poke around on our schedule, without your being in on the calls.  That also eliminates the “placebo effect.”

Clearly we would deal with any sentient creatures and structures first as well as coaching your spirit on redoing some of the wiring in the feedback loop we are looking at.

You would send an email once a month or so reporting change or lack thereof.

So . . . if you have a very high trust level in me and my team, are willing to let us explore the sanctuary of your brain, and if you have a long standing significant problem with not being able to even follow a GPS effectively, I would love to hear from you.  We are only going to work with five people since that is a large enough pool to test my idea.

If it turns out to be significantly transformational, we will write up the protocol here, and everyone else can work on it themselves.

We are now officially open for volunteers.  Write me at

UPDATE:  As of Monday  night, the test group has been formed.  We had a very large number of applicants. 

Watch this blog as we share result — if there are any.

Copyright June 2017 by Arthur Burk




Curse of Cain Insight

Last week in our Worship and Warfare series, we did a live stream called “Vicarious Bondage” which explores how we get sucked into carrying the pain of a community, when it is not our pain.

Sometimes it is as simple as a social contract in community, such as the unwritten expectation that the whole family is supposed to be outraged at the “unfair” treatment of Johnny by one of his teachers.  Sometimes it is a sophisticated act of SRA to covenant someone into a group that carries high pain, so that the perps can shift their pain to the victim.

Here is the link to that foundational teaching which is in the archives.  It will help you understand this article if you have heard the larger teaching and experienced the deliverance prayer.

Today we unexpectedly saw a very specific application for survivors.  But first the backstory.

Sally is a survivor and has been on her healing journey for many years, with sundry counselors and good success.  All seven portions of her spirit are back, in the Seat of Dominion.  She has a few parts left, but she does not switch unexpectedly anymore, has a solid job, experiences a lot of joy, etc.

The one soft spot is that one portion of her spirit seems “less than.”  She pinged me a year ago to see if I had any ideas and I came up with nothing.  Everything looked healed, solid, clean and safe.  So she carried on with life, expecting that portion of the spirit to come around in time.  She didn’t know what was wrong, since nothing seemed to be overtly wrong, but something sure wasn’t right.

Now, a year later, she asked me to take another look.  I chatted with her spirit, and nothing was wrong, but something wasn’t right and a year of growth in all sorts of other areas had not solved anything!

So I sat with the Lord and waited to see what would bubble up.  The vague sense was that this portion of the spirit could not receive the life that was benefiting all the other portions.  So in my mind, that translated into “No functional receptors.”

Suddenly I got The Elbow!  The Holy Spirit said “The Curse of Cain.”

That was interesting because it inverted the story.  I knew well the fact that fratricide (or any murder in the family) causes the earth to not release its strength to us.  I had always seen that as the earth being affected.  It withheld its treasures.

But, considering the fact that Cain was in theory quite mobile, that would require God to ding every piece of land he tried to farm. We know the curse was so emphatic he had to get out of farming and become a contractor, working with non-living things, because his living plant world didn’t work anymore.

If we flip it, and envision the curse manifesting in him, blocking him from receiving, then it would be fully portable, wherever he went.

It was an interesting conundrum which I only pondered less than a minute.  I have no qualms about trying my half baked potatoes before the Throne of God, knowing He is quite accustomed to rejecting my ideas when they are not valid, and He doesn’t fuss at me for trying.

So, my priestly lawyer took a deep breath and went for it.  The logic was somewhat along these lines.

-When SRA is generational, it means a family member is doing it to another family member, knowingly, deliberately, viciously, with malice aforethought.

-There is some murder in some streams of SRA.  Often the person is resuscitated, but that does not change the fact that it is premeditated murder.  And there are times when children are forced to do the deed to others.

-These two things together would cause the Curse of Cain to be on lots of perps.

-The perps try to position themselves so that the curses that are due them land on the victims instead.

-So Sally could theoretically be tied into the whole “class” of survivors of SRA who have the Curse of Cain applied to them (illegally) so that they COULD NOT receive the life of God from the environment they are in.

-Then I theorized that the curse could become a lot larger than just land, per se.  I ran down a list of different areas where Sally – as a whole – is not yet able to receive, then zeroed in on that portion of the spirit and listed things it did not appear to be able to receive from the robust spiritual life floating around her.  I figured if you are going to court, you may as well swing for the fences and blame the devil for everything!

-That said, I asked God to sit in judgment on that diversion of blame.  The perps should get the blame for murder, not the victims.  The perps should be blocked from receiving, not the victims. And I asked God to annul the covenants with Death and cancel the agreements with Sheol (Is. 28) so that the Curse of Cain would be lifted off Sally, especially the portion of her spirit that was affected, and would be placed back solidly on her father who deserved it.

-Then I asked God to rebuild all the receptors in her spirit, soul and body that had been blocked or sealed off by the Curse of Cain, not just in this generation, but in all the previous ones.  I was quite expansive and inclusive in asking for the restoration – more than she could ask or imagine.

When I finally stopped the river of words (tinged by more than a little anger as I thought about it), she reported that she had been having significant manifestations, almost throwing up repeatedly, AND there was an unprecedented about of movement in her brain.

I took that as a good sign, even though we have never walked this way before.  We sat together on the phone, in silence while the process was going on.  Eventually she felt overwhelmed by it and asked to go to sleep.  We parted ways; she slept for an hour and a half during the middle of the day, a deep sleep, like when God did surgery on Adam.

When she surfaced, there was still a lot of activity in her brain and it has shown no sign of abating two hours later!  So I guess rebuilding receptors where there have not been any for generations is a really big deal!

At present, we only have a whole lot of feelings to report.  It will take a while before we know whether there is “measurable, verifiable, sustained change.”  And it will be quite interesting to find out whether there is an immediate bounce for that portion of the spirit, or whether it takes a few weeks or months of it being able to receive, before it is robust and fully in the game again.

For now, this is solidly framed as a half-baked potato, but I am putting it out there for all of you therapists who have some willing (or desperate) guinea pigs.  So many of your survivors lament that although they are getting healed of their pain, and are becoming more stable, they lack the connection with God that they crave.

So kindly Beta test this for me, since you have a much larger lab than I do, and let’s see what kind of consistent results we do or don’t get.

Thanks for the partnership.  This Trailblazer is pretty pointless without my large group of Pioneers who build out the concepts.

Copyright April 2017 by Arthur Burk




Spring Equinox Destabilization

The spring equinox for 2017 was March 20-21.  These change of seasons are usually a bit difficult for survivors of ritual abuse, but based on the email traffic I have been getting in the last 12 hours, this one was unusually rough.

Obviously there are sundry different streams of SRA with different techniques regarding time, but here is a tool that has helped a few people today.  If you or one of your clients has been destabilized, take a look in this direction.

In the spiritual work I do, we normally see the time line of an individual’s life like a river.  Every river has a beginning at a spring.  So your conception is seen as a spring on top of a hill.  Water bubbles up from the underground aquifer, flows down the side of the hill and begins its journey toward today and beyond.

We often find that when a person is massively destabilized by modestly problematic time factors it is because the spring of conception has been compromised.  Most of the time we will find either Leviathan or Nephilim there.

There are several things I check for in terms of the spring of conception/time line.

-Is there a critter present?

-Is the water coming up from below clean or defiled?

-Is the flow the right volume?

-Is the flow going down the hill to the west?

Any one of these can be compromised, or all of them.

If you want to know the Biblical foundations for this, our album “Accessing Intimacy with God” goes into considerable detail and has some renunciations for the root issues.  Mostly, these days, I just deal with them from a power encounter perspective, but if you prefer the authority grid, there are renunciations in that album.

The open door for this kind of defilement, especially Nephilim, is any one of these things:

-Wishing you were never born.

-Wishing you could not exist.

-Wishing you could die.

-Wishing you had been born into a different time.

-Trying to access a different stream of time than the one God placed you in.

This is just a quick and rushed blog since there are too many people in crisis right now for me to respond to each one individually.

However, since this issue of critters at the spring seems to have a disproportionate impact on people’s lives – exaggerating every other time issue they have – I will be doing a couple of clips in the very near future on our “Healing Tools Podcasts.”

For those who would like a more detailed discussion of the issue before the summer solstice and the big eclipse on August 21st, you should subscribe to the podcast.

Copyright March 2017 by Arthur Burk

In a hotel, waiting for my flight home tomorrow


Dealing with an Angry Part

Below is my email and IM dialog with a part named Sybil.  She showed up unexpectedly in the midst of Sally’s healing journey as a “complex survivor of SRA.”   (What a ridiculous clinical term.  I have never met any boringly simple survivors!)

She wrote me email #1 out of the blue, with no preamble.  We were not looking for her.

Some aspects of her story are unique to Sybil.  Other facets of the progression demonstrate principles that are transferable to others.  I am posting this with her permission and Sally’s so you can see a bit of how I deal with a hostile part.

For me, honoring their free will is always top priority.  Second, extending dignity.

* * *

1)            Dear Arthur Burk:

There is no anger in the person or any of the tangents.  None.  I want to establish, however, that I am angry. Very, very angry.  And that will never change.


2)            Good evening, Sybil.  Thanks for sharing where you are.  I appreciate your complete lack of ambiguity about where you stand.  I am unclear however, about the overall picture.  You say there is no anger in the person yet you are angry.  Are you standing outside the person, or were you saying that all of the anger in the person is concentrated in you?  Sorry for not understanding, but I need a little help here.


3)            Please, no explanation.  I just felt like saying something, for once.

I suppose, in a sense, I am outside the person.  Did not mean to interject myself into the processes you all are working on.  I have no bearing, for now.  I do not want to add rabbit trails.  Not worth energy.

Perhaps another time,


4)            Fair enough.  You have been heard and have permission to speak again, when you wish.  Meanwhile I will not intrude in your world at present.


5)            I expected no redemptive life change in this person.  Won’t happen.  Been watching for a long time.  Sally, as usual, is despondent.  You know how despairing people think.  Downward.  Destructively.  Still don’t know what has possessed me to write to you.  You’re present, you accept emails, even mine.  I’ve never known anyone.  That cannot change.

I remain totally angry.


6)            I expected no redemptive life change in this person.  Won’t happen.  Been watching for a long time.

You do, of course, have vastly more data about her than I do, so your expectations certainly are based on past reality, and carry some weight.

Sally, as usual, is despondent.  You know how despairing people think.  Downward.  Destructively.

Very true.  It is a constant challenge.  One can do many things to change outward circumstances, but it is the inner thinking patterns that ultimately will define most of a person’s choices.  I completely agree with you.

Still don’t know what has possessed me to write to you.    You’re present, you accept emails, even mine.

Sybil, I respect anger.  It is a sign of strength and values.  I watch a lot of people who have the personality of egg white endure all manner of junk and simply sigh.  They are small people without even the capacity to be offended for themselves.

You are, admittedly, not even remotely on my team.  We don’t share the same values or vision.  Nonetheless, I am a big enough man to recognize a kindred spirit in terms of your design, and I respectfully tip my hat to you.  I wish we were on the same team, but for now, I simply acknowledge who you are.  Egg white is not particularly compelling for me.  You, on the other hand, are beyond compelling.



I’ve never known anyone.  That cannot change.

I remain totally angry.


7)            Thank you for your reply.  You are correct, I am not on your team.  I cannot be on any team, because I do not exist.

Still, it is gratifying to exchange words.


8)            Dear Sybil,

“Exist” is an interesting term.  We are all comfortable with the fact that this person’s puppies exist, especially in the morning when they are well rested.

But what about an idea?  Does “speed” exist by itself?  A car can be speedy, but is speed itself, as an idea, something that exists apart from the car?

My reason for saying that, is my experience with the Brown Line and the Grey Line.

My current model, subject to refinement every ten minutes as necessary, has a Blue Line where the life of God is.  I think the building power of a person is broken up and placed on the Brown Line.  There, they are either paralyzed through suffering, or co-opted into serving the Underground.

And the intellect is extracted, fragmented, and placed on the Grey Line.  I am guessing this is where you are.  In one sense, you are very right.  You don’t exist in the sense of mass or substance.  But if we take a looser usage of the word “exist” I think you exist as intellect, able to process ideas and concepts.  Your anger sets you apart from the builders and the pain parts.  You have an innate sense of the horrific wrongness of this whole journey, so from your essence as intellect, you emote a legitimate fury at whatever, wherever.

So if a person has the best of their building resources stashed out of reach on the Brown Line and the best of their intellectual prowess fragmented and stashed on the Grey Line, the pain parts that are left in the vicinity of the Blue Line will not be overly powerful at changing life.

My thoughts at present.  You of course have a position inside this person that allows you a different view than mine.  I would welcome your critique of the current iteration of my model.


9)            Arthur’s model and words have been added to Sybil’s.

Now I have some complicated thinking and ponderings, and I wish we were in the same place.  I am not inside the person, or on the blue, brown, or grey line.

Have never actually been alive, in my opinion.


10)         Very helpful insight.  We will be in the same place sometime again and will explore your model at that time.  Thanks for clarifying where things are.


11)         (From Sally’s High Competence Part)

Who/what is Sybil????

12)         To High Competence

Not sure.  We will stay in dialog with her if she wants and eventually there will be some clarity.

For now, I am certainly not going to pursue her.  She can determine the cadence that works for her, and I will synchronize to her by responding whenever she would like to explore, and giving her space when she wants to contemplate.


13)         I think Arthur, sum total of him, might have influence on/in my world.

Explanation of sum total: thoughts, voice, words, writing, understanding, ability to hear pause process, check again, rethink, keen curiosity, tolerance, patience, Bible knowing, God trusting, courage, unrigid

Some may not apply

Previously I had a small point of view.

Now, perhaps there are other explanations, other structures.

My truth thus far has imprisoned me in an infinitesimal space.


14)         Dear Sybil,

There is an interesting paradigm you may wish to consider.  “The truth that we know is the biggest barrier to finding the truth that we need.”

For example, I was working with a man recently who had a really bad experience in kindergarten.  From there on, he had a lot of difficulties in life.  And the truth that he knew – kindergarten trauma – blocked him from looking for other truths.  In reality, the root issue was in his grandfather’s life, but because he knew one truth so well – trauma in his life – he didn’t look for truth in other places.

I am certainly NOT arguing with the truths that you know.  I have not been where you are or seen the things that you see, so I have no reason to feel that anything you see and know is wrong.  I am simply floating additional ideas for you to consider, weigh, adopt or discard as appropriate.

Be at peace and take your time as you ponder.  There is no scorecard to this discussion, no punishment, and no deadline.  We can just ping back and forth calmly, as you see fit.


15)         Dear Sybil,

I thought we might have time this evening to at least greet, but there was too little time and too many things on the agenda.  In the next couple of months I will be in California a lot.  I wonder if this person will come down to Anaheim again, so we can talk face to face.

Allow me to simply summarize my view of you.  In order to have anger, you must have two things:  a sense of justice and a sense of purpose.

So many of the facets of this person’s humanity have invested all of their available energy in just surviving.  They did not have the luxury of a sense of justice.  They just had to roll with whatever garbage came down the pike and figure out how to get up again.  And certainly, surviving the pain of the day does not qualify as a sense of purpose.

But people are created with some sort of innate sense of justice and sense of purpose.  Apparently a significant amount of that was concentrated in you, when they reduced the rest of the person to survival.  In my mind, you carry an amazing treasure.  Your white hot anger is a mark of personhood.  Your ability to feel outrage over the things in the womb is a mark of good health.

I celebrate your anger.  May your vitality not fade.


16)         The person is leaving for something. I can write back to you, later. Your writing is very large.


17)         Your writing is very large.

Thank you.  That is a fine compliment.

Allow me to add one layer to the story.  From early childhood to my mid-forties, I was as angry as you.  Admittedly I had far less reason to be angry, but my volcano produced very high quality lava.

I was pretty routinely judged and condemned as a bad person for my anger.  And I certainly did leave a trail of wounded people behind me, unlike you, who seem to contain your anger much better than I did.

But as I began to find my identity and to discover how much God valued my sense of justice and my passion to be productive in life (and my anger at those who cursed my productivity), my life began to turn around dramatically.

That is why I am so utterly non-offended by your anger.  In my worldview, it is fuel for a good life, not something to be healed from.  I still love your first statement to me – something about you would always be angry.

Well, I certainly hope so!!!

Cheering you on.


* * *


The infusion of truth about the beauty of her anger was too much for the dark side.  She was kidnapped and rendered incommunicado for a day or two.  Jesus rescued her and she had no memory at all of our conversation since they had edited it out of her consciousness, but she was OK being in time and space and existing.

She very quickly became a vital spokesperson for the whole system with a big perspective on what was going on in the Safe Valley and she has continued to be on our team in a big way as Sally progresses.

I sent this to her a while after her rescue and we had a good time smiling over the progression.

Sally desires to wreak as much havoc in the kingdom of darkness as possible, so often gives me permission to share snippets of her story with the world at large or individual people.

Hence this excerpt from her journey.  TFF1 SLG Coaching blog


Copyright December 2016 by Arthur Burk


Processing Disappointment #12

Let’s call her Mrs. Jones, just in case she reads this blog.

She colored my life early on.  Her role in my universe was to know everyone’s emotions.  If Jimmy Smith was going to his first day of kindergarten, Mrs. Jones “knew” exactly how traumatic this was for Mrs. Smith, and she coached us all on how to wisely and skillfully sympathize with Mrs. Smith in her deep pain, if we should happen to see her.

As a matter of fact, Mrs. Smith joyfully dropped Jimmy off at the school steps and raced off to the beauty salon to have a facial, hair cut, perm, nails and a pedicure done – without once hearing the word, “Moooooooommy!”

It did not matter how often Mrs. Jones was wrong about what other people were feeling.  And it certainly did not matter how much data you brought to the table about how other people were REALLY feeling.  She “knew” that this is what they were feeling inside, and even if Mrs. Smith appeared to be having a blast making herself feel beautiful during four uninterrupted hours without having to be a mommy, Mrs. Jones was absolutely sure that “inside” she was hurting badly over the separation from her little kid.  She just wasn’t as in touch with her feelings as the all-knowing Mrs. Jones was.

The really ugly part of it all, was that Mrs. Jones knew every emotion I had, why I had them and how long I had them – even when I didn’t have any of those emotions.

She was the community psycho-analyst and there was the occasional secret discussion about whether she was psycho or would drive us psycho with her unrelenting analysis.

Tragically, when I left Brazil, Mrs. Jones got cloned and has turned up with disgusting regularity through the decades of my variegated walk.

I never found any grace for Mrs. Jones and her despicable clones.  They all just rubbed me deeply.  I developed a fairly simple process of editing them out of my environment as efficaciously as possible.

As I pondered the discoveries from the last blog on disappointment, I realized that the lack of permission to be on the journey I am actually on, is really one of the deepest, most pervasive sore spots in my life.  Mrs. Jones was the arbiter of legitimate emotions and mine weren’t.

I am certifiably weird.

I feel things differently than most people do.  My emotions about our presidential election, the Chicago Cubs, Aleppo, BLM, Kaepernick, traffic, poor service at a restaurant, comics or LAC are probably going to be different from your emotions about the same things.

And that creates reaction.  Community is broadly about shared values, and I am almost always the odd man out, seeing life from a different perspective than most.

Historically, Mrs. Jones and her ilk have worked hard to make me feel condemned and corrupted for feeling what I feel.  In the last ten years, her work has been embraced by the whole PC culture that joyously bludgeons free speech into oblivion in the name of caring – for someone else!

If I were to live tweet the last presidential debate . . . well, let’s not even go there.

So . . . I learned to edit myself.  Savagely.  What I feel inside, is broadly kept to myself.  Because being me, is altogether too often not embraced by the general public.  They like the edited version of me, if they like me at all.

During the last two weeks of relentless external activity, I have pondered that a lot.  I am hugely in touch with how I feel.  I feel deeply about a whole lot of things.  But, over the last two weeks, I was my usual outward self, syncing broadly to the people around me.  The dual self operated flawlessly.  And a lot of people expressed pleasure in the edited self they met.

So what to do?

Being a dual person seems highly inauthentic.  Not one of my goals in life.

On the flip side, working in personal ministry requires massive control of emotions.  The person on the other end unleashes their claws and projects their anger from a previous person onto me.  After a harsh attack rant, I calmly respond with something designed to de-escalate the situation, rather than expressing my actual feelings about the personal assault.

I ponder Christ and the fact that He had exactly the same problem.  His mom played Mrs. Jones at least twice. And His disciples simply could not track with His emotions on an ordinary day, much less when highly complex dynamics were going down.  So, Jesus did what I did — no wait.  Never!  Ouch.  Freudian slip.  Let’s have a redo to this train of thought.

So I do what Jesus did and maintain an edited persona in public, while pouring out my real feelings to Father, in private.

The logic is impeccable, but there was no release from the tension.

As I chewed on it for a few more days (and nights) I realized one variable.  When people ask me directly what I think about something or another, it is usually safe for me to respond.  My answers are often miles away from where they thought I would be, but are generally received without push back.

Or to put it another way, Mrs. Jones does not ask what I feel.  When someone DOES ask about my emotional perspective of a situation, they are not carrying the Mrs. Jones virus.

I was quite surprised by the flood of warm feelings as I landed there.  I scrolled back through a lot of good memories of discussions that were deep and bilateral, because occasionally someone really DID want to know how I felt about something, and the fact that I was far from where they were, or where they thought I was, actually produced a scintillating conversation, devoid of wounds.

So I did some math.

Mrs. Jones + clones.  One quarter of one percent of my annual exposure to bipeds.

Ministry sessions requiring an impassive presentation.  Three quarters of one percent.

Self-absorbed people, busy with life, never wondering what I feel, and never hurting me.  94 percent.

Wonderful human beings, endowed with wisdom and perspicuity who take the time to honestly feel me out and who grant me full permission to feel what I actually do feel, whether they agree or not.  Five percent.

Sooooooooooo . . . why does Mrs. Jones exert such ginormous influence over my daily life when she represents such a tiny presence in my life?

Early childhood.

Our neuroplasticity is very high in early childhood.  My run ins with Mrs. Jones were traumatic and overpowering.  My inept soul built some huge neurological pathways to some very unhelpful wrong responses.  And her pesky clones re-vaccinated me every once in a while, to keep those pathways well maintained.

The reality is, I have a huge set of tools for dealing with this nonsense.  I just hadn’t seen the nonsense that needed to be dealt with.

I can take the tools from the PTSD album and disconnect from the original incident with Mrs. Jones (which I remember with scary clarity after 58 years – which says something about unfinished business right there).  Then I can very intentionally build some impressive new pathways to the joy and pleasure centers of my brain, using the tools from that album.

At the end of the day, the odds of my interfacing with someone who is interested in how I really feel are vastly greater than the odds of my meeting Mrs. Jones.  And with six months of diligent work, I can bring my pesky brain into alignment with current reality – not childhood.

Inner healing from the spirit of abandonment can only get you up to zero.  It takes active growth to develop a huge belief and a reality of inclusive community.

I can get there.

Did all this really begin with a paddle in the water?   PTSD SLG Coaching blog

Copyright September 2016 by Arthur Burk

From the Hub, early morning.



Processing Disappointment #11

Yes, yes, I know.  We were done with this topic, but apparently God is not.

Yesterday I was on a vintage SLG call — four people, four nations.  Among other things, we were exploring the structures related to abandonment and how each redemptive gift’s structure has a little different shape.

At the end of the call, I was utterly exhausted.  I factored in jet lag and the cadence of the day, but it was clear that going into the call I was in pretty decent shape and something non-physical happened during the call which impacted me very negatively, even though the call was supposedly not about me!

So, I started with the hypothesis that I had an unresolved abandonment issue and it got triggered during the call.  Didn’t know where to look, at first, so I just scrolled through sundry things, waiting for a hit.

It came unexpectedly when I looked at my childhood religion:  Calvinism of the 1950s.  Back then, no Christian had any psychological problems of any sort.  Everything was spiritual or physical.  If it was physical, you saw a doctor.  If it was spiritual, you repented, confessed and everything was immediately OK.

I realized that in Calvinism, there was no journey for the soul.  There was only a decision, a choice and an immediate result.  And when you repented and confessed and things did not immediately change in your inner man – for example, my DID that no one knew I had – then it was clear evidence that I had not REALLY repented, and needed to do it deeper, in a more real way, and then I would be immediately, completely cleansed by God and restored and everything would be OK!

No journeys below zero.

That stream of the faith does believe in a journey of faith above zero.  We grow in maturity, develop character, become more Christlike and many other truisms.  But there were no journeys below zero.  If you had soul issues (which didn’t exist back then) and it took you a period of time to process your emotions, or to heal from a wound, then you were abandoned by the religious stream because you really should resolve it spiritually – quickly!

Just crucify the flesh already and get on with life!!!!

This reminded me a lot of our model for abandonment in the womb.  Mother and child are partners in the grand adventure of life, but if the labor becomes so intense that the mother withdraws from the emotional connection with the child for a bit, in order to deal with her own pain, the child can feel abandoned at the time of the greatest need.

Likewise, in that stream of the faith, at the point of highest need, when I had no clue how to process the maelstrom of emotions in me, I felt the spiritual leadership vigorously withdraw from me, because healing was a choice, not a journey in their worldview.

Two things came into focus very clearly last night.

I now understand why I don’t process my pain in community.  It seems so wrong for me, even though I see so many other people joyously leaning into community and finding immense solace and wisdom in their times of deep pain.  But for me, to even HAVE a journey was illegitimate!  It makes sooooo much sense, now.

AND I had the immense pleasure of seeing that in spite of all that mess, I failed forward.  I could have grown up and become one of them, militantly against journeys.  In reality, because of the crazy making nature of my childhood (DID and being expected to resolve every emotional crisis with confession!!!!) I have become a champion of people’s right to have a journey.

I don’t always approve of the way they walk their journey.  I can’t always walk with them on their journey.  And I certainly have a LOT of people where I can’t help them AT ALL on their journey.  But at the end of the day, I champion each person’s right to wrestle with their relationship with God, themselves and their fellow man, and not fit into a sausage factory.

Those two Ah Ha moments captivated me for a while.

Then I had a deep sinking feeling as I looked at the bigger picture.  Today journeys are more or less legitimate.  People are allowed to have souls nowadays, and our emotions are considered valid once more, and the idea of a journey is widely – though not universally – accepted. HOWEVER, a lot of spiritual leaders have defined the journey in their own way.

So you go to them for help and the answer is their own particular algebraic formula for healing in three easy steps.  You go to the specific classes or ministry sessions or seminars and at the end of the time, you are not “fixed.”  So often the leader then rejects or abandons you and it becomes clear that you SHOULD have been fixed by that process because a lot of other people were, therefore it is obvious that you did not really lean into the process the way you should have.

And this definition of someone else’s journey and abandonment when you don’t find full and complete healing through their process has become rampant in the Body of Christ.

Deep sigh – or groan.

I have no idea where to go with this next.

I am more at peace with my processing in private, not in public.  I understand where it came from, and even though I don’t agree with the ideology behind the cause, I think after 60 years of processing the way I process, it is not necessary for me to become the most prolific public processor.

And I am stoked that God leveraged my pain into my becoming someone who champions people’s right to have a journey that is unique.

Obviously there are still issues related to abandonment which I will chew on IN PRIVATE and theoretically get back to you all with some tools that may, or may not, be applicable to your own UNIQUE journey.

Oh, and please note that our October practicum on abandonment is going to ROCK.

Copyright September 2016 by Arthur Burk

Written at 3:00 a.m. local time since my body is still holding on grimly to California time.