Sally and Suzie #10


This morning Suzie again didn’t show up to our appointment. At 10:30 she sent me a text saying, sorry I just got up. Yesterday as well, at the time of our appointment she texted, that she wouldn’t be making it.

I specifically scheduled the call for later in the morning so she would have more time to get ready. Actually I am a bit upset, because I rearranged the morning so I could have the call with her. Is this wrong that I am upset? I don’t think it is a part of her. I know she likes to stay in bed in the morning.

I texted back saying we can do it tomorrow if she likes.

Should I be more understanding? Or is it okay? Is it that Giver’s want others to synchronize?

* * *
Is it wrong that this makes you upset? Yes, it sure is! Absolutely!!!!

First of all, she is DID and has limited windows of time when she can actually choose. You knew this when you started the journey, so be prepared for a whole lot more offensive behavior going forward.

Now, at this moment, you tend to think it is a choice on her part to be lazy. May be. I don’t know for sure. But broadly speaking, whether it was laziness, dishonoring your gift of time, or a part that kept her nailed down, you don’t know, so you are not really in a place to judge.

Therefore you refrain from scolding her (in case it is a part) but you refuse to enable her by adjusting to her erratic nature (in case it is laziness).

Second, you have had a lot of grace extended to you in your journey, so it behooves you to show some grace to others.

That said, since her unpredictability is going to be ongoing, you need to position yourself so that it does you the least damage. Planning your day around waiting for a DID person to call is an invitation for some bruises. Is there a time of day when you are almost always home and you could take a call or miss a call without it being a problem to your productivity?

Look at it from the grid of the 6th head of Leviathan. The win/lose (whether you win by enforcing boundaries or she wins through your enabling) will empower the negative head and slow the process down. You can’t always find a win/win, but look for it to see if you can with with her and also earn authority over the 6th head.

This is very important for you because your generational line operates in a total win/lose construct so you have no generational blessings from recent generations. Therefore, you need to work hard to dig deeply and grow your own authority. You have good win/win situations with religious authorities, civil authorities and business relationships. Go for a win/win here.

Now, I would like to point out that she texted you that she could not make it. That is worthy of a pat on the back. Affirm her for not leaving you hanging. You did well to offer her another time tomorrow (forgiveness instead of rejection) but if you can affirm her for the one thing she did right, it gives her a small scrap of dignity in the midst of a failure.

Every time you affirm her, you are establishing the moral code that governs your relationship. This is an important part of building the culture you will live in long term. On the negative side, you have made it clear that you are not going to enable her by syncing to her every day. That was a necessary boundary, but it defines your relationship as a judge and enforcer.

Now offset that by becoming a validator and cheerleader for her. She has done something right. Language it and call it good, so she has a moral standard that is broadly reachable even in her brokenness.

Think of the letter I sent to a neighbor of yours early on. By telling him “thank you” for what he did, I was establishing myself as someone who was observing and pronouncing judgment (good judgment) on his business behavior.

It so impacted him that where there was a situation that went sideways later on, he rushed to make it right without my saying anything because he so wanted another pat on the back from me — which I certainly did deliver.