Suzie will be back this week from her time away. She has been in a Christian mental health clinic and had high hopes of receiving some healing. Unfortunately, the truth is that she comes back worse than when she left. It was not only that they couldn’t help her, but they blamed her for not doing enough and made her feel lots of condemnation. But I know she tries so hard.
Suzie feels very hopeless now. She is sufficiently destabilized that she can’t work anymore, so she is stuck with the label of being disabled which doesn’t help her sense of shame either.
Something interesting happened while she was away, though. Her complete depression changed into anger and rebellion. She has so little hope that she says, “Now I just do what I feel like doing, because nothing helps anyway, so at least I can have a little bit of fun.”
I am feeling quite overwhelmed with the situation, because there are so many things to do. I need to work with her spirit, her soul, do deliverance . . . It looks like a big mountain. But I feel for her and want to help her.
I appreciate a lot your coaching!!!
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OK, Sally. This response of mine is going to sound a bit harsh, but here it is anyway.
In 2006 when I did about 40 seminars for the inner healing community, I came to realize that this is largely a very wounded population. While wounded healers have always been around, it seems as though the percentage of healers who have not progressed far enough in their own journey is really high right now.
As a result of that, too many people have their legitimacy wrapped up in being successful, and if they can’t help the client, they have to blame the client for the problem since they cannot allow themselves to face lack of success.
So in the religious sector, the hurting person “doesn’t have enough faith.” In the clinical sector, the client “doesn’t want to change and isn’t working hard enough.”
Sally, this is just screamingly cruel. Oh, I know there ARE situations where a person truly doesn’t want to do the hard work, but the speed with which most healing professionals will turn to blame and delegitimize the client is simply wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, and it makes me very angry.
So you have a lot of work to do here, but your first step is to address the condemnation. Start by pointing out how much effort she put into going to this clinic. You know the story well. It was a big, big deal. She fought through the legal and financial and other barriers to get there because it was such a highly regarded Christian institution, and there was nothing like this in her country.
Solidly establish the reality of how badly she wanted to get help.
Then address the fact that it is the mental health practitioner who has the primary responsibility to find the key to unlock her prison. Admit that the people she went to could not do it, but that does not mean she is a bad person. It means they just didn’t have the key in the period of time allotted.
Then drill down on the issue of tenacity and resilience. Tell your story. Sally, your journey to healing was one of the most clumsy, messy, stupid, painful, ridiculous ones I have heard of in a long time. So many well intentioned people did so much rubbish to you. Often you were wounded by the so called healers.
How many hours of deliverance prayer did you have that didn’t work because the people just didn’t have what it took? Think of the barrel of prophetic words that were supposed to heal you and didn’t.
And ponder all the work on your spirit that was utterly bogus, no matter how confidently proclamations were made that all is fine with your spirit now.
But at the end of the day, you have progressed far enough in your journey to be life giving to her, because you were resilient and tenacious. After each debacle, you crawled in a hole, pulled the hole in after you, flooded it with tears, wondered what was wrong with you that God did not answer your prayers and then a week or two later you risked to let some other person minister to you.
Like I said, your journey makes me shudder it was so stupid, but look at you now! Along the way some things went right.
Now, you need to confront this issue of the prison that Suzie is in. Tell her point blank that you don’t have the keys. Also tell her that you DO have some tools that might work. Promise her you will never shame her for her lack of growth and offer to walk along side her for the long term.
If she is willing to let you fail 10,000 times or so, it is quite likely that you can get her far down the road toward healing. You can bring the same persistence you used in your life to bear on her life, and the successes in the midst of the failures will take her far.
Now, let’s talk about her anger and rebellion. This is a good, good thing! But I know the clinic and the devil are whacking at her for being a rebel – a good Christian cuss word.
The psychological community says you can’t spit and swallow at the same time. Swallowing refers to stuffing the pain of feeling blocked and spitting refers to outward actions of anger. Anger and depression are roughly the same animal. Both are an emotion you feel when you are blocked or trapped. Depression surrenders to the pain and anger lashes out against it.
Personally, I find anger much more viable to work with than depression, so I am glad she is mad enough to act out. In reality, the things she did are fairly minor, but for a good Christian girl, they represented a pretty solid break with the non-reality of playing the game while she was bleeding inside.
Go to your story again. There was one point in your life where you had a chance to change communities of faith. You had a very co-dependent relationship with your spiritual leader. Those around you were sure you would not be able to leave. It was a very harsh, wounding leaving, but you could only do it because something rose up within you and allowed you to fight back against all the condemnation and guilt manipulation. In the end, you got angry enough to “rebel” your way out of that community into a new one.
So celebrate her anger, and tell her you will help her channel it against the right enemies.
Now, where to start?
First, legitimize, legitimize, legitimize. Talk for hours if needed to push back against all of the shame and to give her dignity. She IS in a prison. This IS a tough spot. But SHE is still a treasure designed by God, and she is worth your time to invest in a tall list of failures in order to set free the beautiful person who is inside that prison.
Second, do some warfare prayer. Go to God about the judgments made against her, the labels placed on her and the agreements people entered into about and against her.
Ask God to open the books and bring before His court every word or thought, written or spoken about her, and ask Him to judge all of those words. And if there is anything that is not true and right and just, ask Him to destroy the power of those words.
Specifically address the words “never, won’t, can’t, always” and such.
Be sure and ask God to destroy the power of agreement. I am sure that the leadership of the clinic had some discussions about her and came to some agreements about her woundedness and her “unwillingness” to get healing. Specifically ask God to destroy the power of all agreements against her that He does not agree with.
Then you make a proclamation. You have known her for a long time. Speak to God about the beauty you see in her, explain why you think she is “worth” your investment and invite God to come into agreement with your assessment of her being a treasure, if He finds your words to be true.
When that is done and the dust has settled, speak to Giver. All you really want to do is to validate that Giver still exists and still has a future. This clinic obviously does not know about the human spirit, but point out to Giver that their ignorance of this concept does not change the reality. Nothing they said or did on the soul level has changed Giver. Giver is still there, still alive, still able to talk to you and still able to receive blessings from you.
Be prepared with one of the blessings from the Giver blessings on our website, so after you have chatted with Giver and validated the survival of the human spirit, give a big, old, multilayered, high octane blessing to start this next season.
Get back to me after you have that conversation, and we will decide where to go next.