The adjustments I made yesterday were very helpful. When Giver was guarding the door, the focus was protecting myself from pain delivered by people. When I changed things up, I was able to go vertical and anticipate the gifts God might be delivering.
Very different perspective with different results. The SLG population did not change overnight. I still got some messy inputs today. In fact, I got one of the worst inputs of all so far, but I also got one of the best. When I looked at each one coming in as a potential gift from God, I found some fun stuff in general, so it was energizing to read the comments, not a walk in the minefield.
Now, back to the issue of disappointment.
The next step in the process is actually grieving the loss – feeling the sadness. I have learned that this happens organically over time. Something bumps the sore spot, it comes to the front, and I have a choice to lean into it or to push it away. In most cases, I need to stop and lean into it and feel the loss.
Here is how it works. I was at home, minding my own business, chatting with Desiree, my photographer daughter. She happily sent me a picture from her walk that evening. And wouldn’t you know it, it was a picture of the full moon over her city.
Immediately I felt the wave of sadness at having missed the moon light paddle on the lake. I rather abruptly got off the phone and lay on the couch allowing the sadness to flow over me. I grieved the loss for a while until it faded.
This morning was nutty in many ways. I was busier than a DID octopus on speed with utterly unexpected interruptions. I was trying to revise one particular section of my Denver notes that means a whole lot to me. I suddenly felt the disappointment over not having had the big blocks of uninterrupted time to craft elegant transition sentences in my head, try them on for size, then refine them some more.
I was not able to boot the interruptions out of my life like I did my daughter’s phone call, but I allowed myself to feel that loss for a while, during the other activities.
My experience is that this takes weeks or months, depending on the issue and is not something I need to orchestrate. Life, God and the devil work together to bump the bruise a reasonable number of times. As the sadness surfaces, I feel it. On some occasions I can talk to someone about it, or write a kindred spirit and share, but most of the time, it is so unscripted, I just stop and taste the sadness by myself so as not to lose the moment.
Sometimes I have to force myself toward sadness. I am looking at my fancy blue Osprey backpack that is still leaning against the wall where it got dumped the night I came back. I know I need to empty it, put everything away, wash it, let it dry and store it. That is going to stir up a truckload of sadness demanding to be felt.
I have been avoiding it because I didn’t want to invest the emotional energy, but I shall do it tomorrow, since I want to get to those sadnesses while they are still fresh, and not go to Denver with that still pending.
Over the course of time, the fourth step will gradually be done and the fifth step will slide into place unnoticed.
However, there are four more steps not in Kubler-Ross sequence I also need to work on.
Maybe tomorrow we can start those.
Copyright August 2016 by Arthur Burk
From the Hub