Processing Disappointment #7


I am back in the game after the weekend in Denver.

In the interest of moving the story line along, I am going to skip the section about integrating a painful situation back into your timeline. This truncated vacation was hardly a trauma big enough to fracture my timeline, plus you can get that info later when Megan’s book comes out.

Moving on, we get to what is really the core of the matter.

Burlington, Ontario seems to have an anointing for revelation.  Some of the team members had unusual visitations during the night watches both nights we were there, with high amount of new insights from God.  It was really cool.

One of the team said that God revealed that I had a curse on my time which cycled every fifteen and a half years. That means that this year, when I am 62 years old, I am at the fourth iteration of the cycle.  Their sense was that the Algonquin trip was going to have a huge role to play in breaking the old curse and releasing something huge for me.

It was with that superlative expectation that I left, with hope on top of joy.

Then things didn’t quite soar and I came home, circling around that.  I was hugely discouraging, feeling as though I had botched something critical and significantly re-empowered the curse.  My first step was to break it down and see if I could figure out the pattern.

15.5 was when I came to the States for my senior year of high school.  I was pretty good at building bird traps, navigating the sand bars at low tide, running the pump when the water tank was low, and quoting Scripture.  I didn’t know a doggone thing about the Beatles, yellow submarines, Puff the Magic Dragon, football, baseball, basketball, dating, necking, petting, weed, Mustangs, glass packs or laying scratch.  Oh, and I wasn’t very good at English, geometry, drafting, lunch time or PE.  I also had no clue how those girls produced bee hive hairdos.  Or why they would want to.

At 31 I was the 8th senior pastor in nine years at a particular church.  That was the year we had the church split.  Once again, I brought a lot to the table, but it was as irrelevant as bringing snow shoes to a church potluck in Florida.

At 46 and a half, I was involved with a parachurch ministry, and again what I had was devalued and there was unholy war between me and the leader because I would not give what he wanted because I felt he needed something else.

And now I am 62.

There are several layers here, but I realized that the peaks were accompanied by a huge number of other situations where my best was worthless because I had the wrong resource in the wrong place.

I started to circle around that, trying to figure out what happened.  Then I realized I really needed to feel it before I understood it.  So I spent about three days reliving a seemingly endless stream of experiences where my best was not only not good enough, my best was spectacularly irrelevant in every way, shape or form.

It turns out that THIS was a monstrous emotional waste dump that needed massive bandwidth to process.  So I grimly scrolled through every imaginable sector of my life finding the same old song and dance in every imaginable key of music.

It was staggering.

Copyright August 2016 by Arthur Burk

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Comments

  1. says

    Your post talking about cycles interests me a lot as I have felt that my life has gone in time cycles but not always knowing what they are and when they change.
    Also the been overlooked for my skills in both work and church as well as relationally has had an impact on my life. Trying to actually process through these patterns will be helpful, I saw a seven year pattern a while back and a September as well as June every year pattern, but they are confusing as they relate to different things.
    Your journey is helping me get some insight on some things.

    Also there have been many delays of things in my life (least of which is the husband issue) and still dreaming of having biological kids at the age 38+. God however has always come through at the darkest time, I just now need to get to above zero in all things in my life and actually DO well at things and earn a decent wage.

    I have always been scared of feeling my emotions and your example of processing through all of that is encouraging and not so daunting to me now because of that.

    Thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Soo Fee says

    I am intrigued by how God is coaching you in this process – “I really needed to feel it before I understood it.”
    Most of us have emotions that we thought we have dealt with properly or emotions we didn’t want to deal with and stuffed away. But God knows.
    So loving of Him to heal you from emotional wounds that you were not aware of. May He break the curse on your time and redeemed all that the enemy has stolen from your timeline. Asking God for a glorious breakthrough in your emotional well-being!

    Like

    • Louise says

      That one “I really needed to feel it before I understood it” is also strange for me as most times I feel and feel and then I can’t process it but then again I have only recently been able to accept my emotions as they are.
      This helps make things more normal for me too.

      I also agree about breakthrough for you!

      Like

      • Soo Fee says

        It’s different for everyone. Only God knows what works for us.
        I remembered a few years ago, God took me to a season of weeping. Nothing sad or tragic happened. But I would cry when I am alone. I cried for days and weeks. Some people thought I was suffering from depression. No, I wasn’t. I couldn’t explain but it felt that my soul was getting in touch with my spirit’s feelings. And I felt good after the weeping season.
        When I go to heaven, I am eager to see how much tears God has collected for me during that weeping season.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Grace says

    Thank you for modelling another instant of what being a “factory” looks like – seeing the resources and playing fields that Father gives you in myriad forms (including pain and disappointment), and using them to produce much life-giving fruit!

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  4. john seaman says

    i have no great words of wisdom for you, just want you to know as a friend I am praying for you and that I bless your spirit to make sense of all this in His time and that you can receive peace in this storm.

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  5. says

    God has been revealing to me that recently that my life seems to go in 18 year cycles – and everything needs to get dealt with now so
    I will fully possess all my promises and destiny and not go around and around certain mountains of disappointment again. This is the season of freedom – and I intend to leave all the past in the past and only carry the treasures and gifts gained into the future. Arthur, your writing is so amazing to fill in some of the gaps in what I’m processing in my life. Thank you.

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  6. Maggie says

    Wow, what you share must have a wider application for others re the timeline…those ages are very significant times in my life;15 and half was when the mother superior came to my school to interview my year 11 class for vocations to the nunnery and I thought she avoided me because I insisted on becoming an artist! Ha ! So, many years later I was to discover it was because I was disqualified on account of my parents’ not marrying according to the rules. Whatever you share has a creative implication for us all . There is so much healing in sharing your LIFE, which like a painting has many variations of colour including black and white, the black being a mixture of all the colours and the white light dividing into reds yellow blues violets and greens and many variations on grey. Then there is line, texture, shape and balance. Even with a lot of discordant or dull greys there is a balance coming to produce a glorious masterpiece Arthur.

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  7. Rebekah says

    And then….. and then….! I’m on tiptoe with expectation for the next chapter. This story has all the makings of a superb redemption, and I can’t wait to see the mastery with which all these puzzle pieces come together to displaying the full picture. I relish this expression of God the “Mystery Maker.” Cheering you on, Arthur!

    Like

  8. Daphne says

    I stayed up until 2:00 am to type up a Journal regarding one thing in my life: Why do I often have a hard time getting people to hear what I have to say? I often feel that though I bring a lot to the table, the attitude I get from the people around me is that “the subject/info are irrelevant”. So I feel that I often “bring the wrong resources to the table”.

    This morning, I happened to listened to the “Fractal of Two: Adrenals & Kidneys” CD 4, Arthur’s prayer on track 11: “…God’s deposit in you, that has to be converted into instruction so that the soul can comprehend it.. & walk it out.” Together with what Arthur just shared today, they are such a revelation to me. Arthur, Thank you so much for your teaching & sharing. I cannot say thank you enough. God has just answered my question & done away with my long-time frustrations. God bless you immensely.

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    • says

      Sometimes it is like a thyroid problem or a diabetes problem. There are great assets there, but they cannot be converted to usable forms or cannot be accessed where needed. It is a challenge to pursue the rest of the tools that will make the tools we have productive.

      Liked by 2 people

  9. Sylvie says

    Hi, reading your blog the scripture that came to mind was –
    Proverbs 13:12 Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.
    Seems each of these situations had massive scope to release deferred hope. Perhaps that’s something else to consider alongside.

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  10. says

    I appreciate reading your processes, Arthur. Thank you for your openness, transparency and honesty. I am sorry still for your loss of the Algonquin vacation. I well know that awful reality of best being irrelevant again and again; ’tis a painful thing hurting deeply to the core. May God continue to illuminate.

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  11. lila1jpw says

    I’m thankful that the Holy Spirit brings to mind only those troubling issues that we can deal with. The Sword of the Spirit is as precise as an experienced surgeon’s blade. Praise Him!

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