Processing Disappointment #10


I decided to zoom out from the specifics of the high school situation and look at the pattern of the four known Exhorter episodes in the 15.5 year cycle to see if I could find some salient data.

I have opted to not detail the other three situations, but in each case, I found that the giving and receiving that is core to community was trashed.  Each time it was a different way.  It was only the first time I could not receive.  In the others, there was community for a period of time, then serious slippage took place through unique circumstances, but each time related to the dynamics of exchange in community.

At times what I had wasn’t wanted.  At times what was wanted I did not have or could not ethically give.  The enemy was quite creative in producing misalignment in those windows.

The evidence is overwhelming that my intercessor was right and there is a 15.5 year cycle.  Now we have language for it.  Community gets trashed in one way or another because exchange does not happen the way it should.

Now, there is another piece running in the background.

Of the seven portions of my spirit, the Teacher and the Exhorter were the most damaged.  It is quite clear that the damage to the Exhorter portion of my spirit took place on the Exhorter island of Cotijuba, in Brazil, when I was between seven and nine years old.  I have spent a LOT of time over the years working through the healing journey from that season.

God has invested massively in restoring my Exhorter portion.  I find immense joy in the Exhorter color of the majesty of God which seasons the Prophet’s insights into the structures of Design.

BUT at the time of the first episode, my Exhorter portion was in shambles.

So the enemy leveraged my DID, and my damaged Exhorter portion, and the cultural stuff to cause a wrong response to the dynamics of the school during the first time the cycle came around.  That defiled it for the rest of the cycles.  Up until now.

After all this digging, it turns out to be a pretty familiar, ordinary curse on a cycle of time.

So what to do?

First, call it what it is.  I will be spending some time this evening going over each of the four events, sharing with God my perspective of where the giving and receiving broke down.

Second, I will own my junk and reject inappropriate guilt that others and I have put on myself over the years for those situations.

Third, I will feel the pain one more time.  I know I feel really raw about the first episode.  Not my fault I was DID.  Not my fault I was socially inept in addition to my DID.  But the enemy didn’t care.  Whether my choices came from woundedness or conscious rebellion, it was enough for him to activate a curse on my cycle of time, and hurt me three more times downstream.   I hate him.

Fourth, I will ask God to cleanse the structures on time and to remove any unholy structures that have been built in me.

Fifth, I will mark my calendar for when I am 77 and a half years old and will anticipate holy payback in that cycle for what got ripped off before.

Now, there is a teaser here.

When I did the AHS 3 Practicum in Anaheim, there was a spirit/soul connection between me and the group gathered there that we have never had before.  It was remarkable and healthy and addictive.  We achieved that again with the first of the live streaming videos from the office.  The time with Holy Communion especially was intense that first day.

I have done a whole lot of work already on each of those four situations, without knowing they are connected.  Obviously I am in a season now where I should be able to have an exchange of life with community that is significantly above par.  Even though I have not done the cleanup work listed above, I think God was honoring the season and giving me a taste of what community could be like in SLG.

The pre-event party in Denver was also highly uncharacteristic of SLG.  The ease with which everyone connected was remarkable and delightful.

Our highly cranky, stonewalling landlord has appointed a new manager for our complex who is a delightful gift of Service lady and she is doing community with me like we have never had.  I actually had a discussion with Megan the other day asking whether she was real or an angel sent to bless us.

So, I think without the cleanup, God is already allowing some of the life of the season bleed through.  With the cleanup done, we could have a dramatic new flavor to SLG.  In celebration (by faith) I have embarked on a daring venture with the Exhorter gift on Facebook.  I would love to draw 100 people who could commit to this short-term strike force.

And I am REALLY looking forward to Saturday night when we have our third live stream and I share lots of new, fun stuff.  I hope God grants us a deep connection where the life of God flows to us and through us to each other.

Then I leave to Austria on Sunday, where I will be ministering to a female Exhorter city, Innsbruck, and a male Exhorter city, Vienna.  The later is already sold out, two weeks in advance of the event!

So here is to high expectations of change in the company.

And this is the end of my processing in public about this event.  Onward to new things.

Copyright September 2016 by Arthur Burk

From home

 

Comments

  1. Rebekah says

    Thank you so much for including us in this whole process. I don’t know if we, as the collective SLG tribe, did our part of being a safe, supportive community, but I am grateful for this opportunity to see the principles in action. The practical example of how you reason to the root and then craft a plan is invaluable to me.

    AND I especially love the way you bring solid closure to a thing when it’s done. Few things irritate me as much as loose ends, but I can count on you to neatly close the seam and snip the stings leaving a smooth finished edge to be proud of.

    Thanks again!

    Like

    • says

      Well, it was a mixed bag in terms of doing this in front of the whole world. On the one hand, Megan was right. There was one hugely significant piece of information that came from outside. I had the data but certainly had not considered it as salient to the frame I was looking at. So, without processing in community, I would not have arrived at a solid conclusion.

      On the other hand, the process was far from comfortable or comforting. It appears that there was significant benefit to at least a few people in the audience who were able to glean some tools or at least perspective for their own journeys, but it felt a lot more like a win/lose where I was resourcing others at my personal expense.

      Not a new scenario.

      I will probably process again in community as a matter of discipline, not delight, but will likely limit it to a community of two or three, not the world.

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      • Rebekah says

        I am so sorry it felt like a win/lose. Resourcing people at your expense is a miserable place to be. I wish it could have been different yet wishing never changes reality.

        It is quite logical that you would limit your community to just 2 or 3 people next time, and in light of that I find it even more special that you stayed the course with this series of blogs.

        You could have cut and run after the win/lose nature of this experiment became evident. But you didn’t. You chose to take the noble road and finish what you started. That is special. Really special.

        AND that’s one reason we love you!

        May the God who turns bitter into sweet be made more excellent in your eyes today. And may the Great Teacher, who never met a student He couldn’t handle, train us as a tribe to be more life giving in our exchange with you.

        Liked by 1 person

        • says

          Well, Rebekah, resourcing people at my expense is the nature of my life. Isn’t it the normal thing for the Kingdom? The question is how big an input we have. If we are deeply enough connected to God, there is a pipeline for the life of God to flow through us to the world. You will notice there were times I took a few days off, because I needed to fill up with my personal, private relationship with God before getting back in the fray.

          Isn’t that what you do? You are called in to bring flavors of life that mom’s don’t have when they are birthing. You give out of the blend of your life and the life of God, and go home depleted. Then you connect with God and refill your tanks. It is not the job of the mother or the baby to restore to you the life force that you gave to them.

          On the wall in my office is a poster with the words from “The Rose.”

          It’s the heart, afraid of breaking
          that never learns to dance.

          It’s the dream, afraid of waking
          that never takes the chance.

          It’s the one who won’t be taken
          who cannot seem to give;
          And the soul, afraid of dying
          that never learns to live.

          I am ever and always weighing cost and benefit. I could easily have waved off the world and healed in private. You would not have been surprised and would have respected that. I choose to risk doing something that seemed quite alien to me, and I think the risk paid off. I had enough life from God to be able to both heal and be life giving simultaneously. It was a gamble and it worked.

          In a dream scenario, community would be life giving to me from their resources, so I could have the privilege of receiving freely and wonderfully while I am in pain.

          But neither you nor I are called to “dream scenarios.” We know our calling is to those who need a hand up, so we don’t expect to do our day’s work without having to give out immensely. And for those who aspire to the noble title of “Life Giver,” it comes with the fundamental presupposition that a lot of the time, we will be responsible for filling our own tank.

          I was not complaining about the cost. Simply saying that the dream scenario might happen some day, I acknowledge that it could in theory happen, does happen for many, but was not my lot this time. Not a complaint. Just an observation that this one was expensive.

          And you know that one well. You go home at the end of a 36 hour labor and comment in a matter of fact way to your family, that you are somewhat trashed. Not a complaint. Just the reality of your job.

          Liked by 1 person

          • Rebekah says

            Very well articulated, Arthur. I fully agree with your picture of the pipeline, and how it is a normal thing in the Kingdom for us to be a conduit of life, both God’s and our’s mingled together, flowing to the world around us. Of course you are correct in your observation that you and I are both called to this type of lifestyle.

            And perhaps it’s that very fact that greats on me in this situation. As a life giver it greats on me to be one who received at your expense while giving little in return.

            But perhaps that speaks more about my ability to receive than anything else…….

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          • says

            Yes, after we learned the doctrines, the do’s and don’ts of the Denomination, when we’d done all that they said we should do to “Serve God”, we were absolutely left to fill our own tanks, or just go on with the program, come to Church, same old. I choked on that long ago, am so hungry for the reality in/of God.
            Thanks Arthur, for helping me fill my tank!

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  2. Janis Leal says

    Thank you again for your transparency. Praying for you.

    And “yes and amen” to marking your calendar for the next 15 ½ -yr. cycle!

    By the way, about that…. Does this mean I can expect an invitation for your 77 ½? Or be the one to throw the party (unless dear Rebekah of the Rockies wants to throw another one like she did for LAC?). And for your 93rd, while we marvel at your continuing pay-back reward of age-regression, do I get the first Texas Two-Step dance in your new boots (and if you don’t know the Texas Two-Step we need to talk, and then remedy that anathema ASAP, whether I’m still in Texas or not…. And you’re welcome, Texas SLGers). I’m not kidding.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Nina says

    It is incredible how much you were able to pull out of your disappointing event. Most people would have just pouted and moved on.

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  4. Louise says

    I still need to figure out the portions of my spirit, I received some emotional abuse growing up and this resulted in dissociation. This has given me some room to think about where things in my life with community and authority figures have gone all wrong and why my authority is never recognised in some areas.
    I appreciate your sharing this processing as it has helped me to look at my life events in a different way.
    I am on the Autism spectrum so relating to people is also a challenge.

    Thank you. Thank you for your vulnerability as this helps a lot for authentic relating.

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