Sally and Suzie #21 Final report


In the past two weeks Suzie and I had little contact, mostly text messages.  The other day she called because she was not doing well.  I was glad she called and was hoping we could make some progress, or that she would want to start working again.  But the only thing she would like is a quick deliverance prayer.  She has had deliverance in the past, and it didn’t work.  But every time I mention something about a process she does not want to hear it.  Every suggestion of starting somewhere does not come close to landing.

I am sad that it is like this, but don’t think I can do anything else at the moment.

Thank you very much for coaching me in this process and giving me great advice and tools.  I really appreciate that!  I have definitely learned a lot in the whole process and am sure there will be other Suzies coming.  Thank you!

* * *

Well, Sally, it is a tough place to be in.  I am sorry it turned out that way.  I am no stranger to this place in life.

Some observations.

-As bizarre as it sounds, much of the time the prayer minister is much more vested in the process than the person in pain.  It should not be that way, but it is.  And I have learned to look for the signs of low engagement and factor that into my equation.  When someone repeatedly, easily cancels appointments, or has no willingness to do work in between sessions with me, that is a marker.  It seems really harsh to walk away from someone who is in pain, but at the end of the day, they have enough wholeness to make choices.  Because there is a staggeringly large number of people with wounds, I sadly, but pragmatically, walk away from those who will not invest in their own journey, and I work instead with those who will.

-On another level, this is in part the product of the modern church.  For 30 years the message has been microwave Christianity.  You can get “there” quickly.  And some of the time it is true.  Some of my healing has come in a single massive lurch.  A lot of it came through deliberate, hard, relentless walking out of a process that had more twists in it than a pretzel made by an octopus with Parkinson’s.  So you are up against the “instant culture,” and this will always be a seduction to those who are worn down by the process.

-And, in spite of the fact that this comment will raise some hackles, I am simply going to say that Givers and Rulers tend to resist coaching on all levels more than other tribes.  I do almost no business consultations for those two gifts because they are really smart and figure things out themselves.  In medical situations, these two are going to overrule the doctor or change doctors relentlessly.  And in counseling, they start, then stop.  Can’t tell you quite why, since they have as much pain as anyone else, but this is a massive statistical pattern.

So what about you?

You know that you are not called to this as a primary vocation.  You were drawn into this one out of compassion.  You still know a number of people who are DID.  Some know it and some don’t.  You need to make a decision based on your design and this season of your life, as to whether you are going to get some more training on the topic, through working with another person, or step back and focus on other things.

Meanwhile, you need to detox.  Disappointment in other people is a messy proposition.  It can leave a deep, slow-festering infection you are not aware of, so you must get closure on this chapter in a clean way.  I suggest you NOT go over the human side of the situation looking at the pros and cons.

What I do is to look away from the people and focus on God.  How did He meet you in the process?  How are you different?  What were the intimacy moments along the way?  What did you learn about your own design?

A solid celebration service does a lot to sanctify a bruise.

Now, from your mentor, let me say Well Done!

The blog was somewhat sanitized.  I know you were in over your head, and you ate a bunch of adrenaline over some of the assignments.  In my world, courage is very special.  You did well with coaching Suzie.  You did superbly at being life giving while you were still very much in process in your own life.  Most of what you did, you had never done before.  That means that week after week, you were challenged.  But you rose and risked.

I am proud of you.

Copyright April 2015 by Arthur Burk

From the Lab

 

Sally and Suzie #20


This morning I was reading your blog about the Canaanite Iron Bowl.  This is exactly how it is with Suzie and me.  We are buds for a long time.  She knows I am here and I would like to help her, but she doesn’t ask for ministry any more.

She has experienced what we worked on before, how it started to change in her life, how she was doing better, but since she was in that clinic, it’s not how it used to be.  We are distant even though we communicate now and then.  If she would call and ask for a blessing, I would immediately do it.  She has the time to just call, but something is keeping her away.

I will pray into that now, the way you described in the blog.  It is encouraging to have a strategy.  Thank you!  Is there anything else you could advise me?

* * *

I think it would be good for your own faith to do two things.  Call the demonic around Suzie to attention and rehearse for them your journey from denial of reality, to walking through some ugly realities.  Then remind them how for a year or two you lived in the future in some deliberate escapism – always looking at the next bright spot in your life a few months out.  And compare that with today when you awoke fully alive, rejoicing in today and the anticipation of meeting God today.

Telling them and telling yourself that story will strengthen your faith and anchor the fact that you have authority over this issue.

Then rehearse for them the times that you too have felt that distance that I described in the blog and how you felt you had lost all the ground gained.  Then, when it broke, you suddenly had it all back.

Tell the varmints that you so thoroughly understand their game, and even though Suzie feels really pinned down by them now, YOU know she has not lost all the progress you made with Giver before she left for the clinic.

THEN when you have covered those two points, hammer down on the command for them to put her back in space and time where she belongs – spirit, soul and body in alignment with divine time.

Copyright April 2015 by Arthur Burk

From the Lab

Sally and Suzie #19


The other day, when Suzie forgot about the appointment, she still texted later saying she is sorry.  I answered, that it is okay.  She did not ask if we could do something again.  Do I offer it again to her, or is it better to wait?

* * *

You did very well in releasing her from shame over the missed appointment.  But at this time, I would not offer again.  You have known her for years.  She knows what you do and what you have to offer.  I would just wait until she reaches out to you.  At this point, there is very little chance for her to put skin in the game.  But asking for prayer is one place where she can, so you should just wait.

Copyright March 2015 by Arthur Burk

From Mom’s where I am prepping her vegetable garden.

Sally and Suzie #18


Suzie texted me this morning saying that she realized it is just so hopeless and that at this point she doesn’t really want to keep on working on anything.  She does hope that soon this torture will be over.

I replied to her that I understand and hope this for her too.  And I will be there for her.  Then we texted a few more times back and forth.  I wanted to make sure that she really knows I am not offended and that nothing changed in our relationship.

Is there anything else I should do, except staying in touch, but waiting until I hear from her?

As I am writing this, I just got another text from her asking if we can talk tomorrow again.

I feel very much inadequate but am very grateful for your coaching in this.

* * *

This is utterly common.  Nothing to be concerned about.  You handled it perfectly by not arguing and just reassuring her of the relationship being solid, and her having the freedom to go forward or not.

And she responded that she wants to go forward.

We don’t know for sure, but I would guess that there was a hopeless part in the front earlier.  You will meet this hopeless one many, many times in the future, so just walk through the protocol you used today.  It is solid.  Eventually she switched and the High Competence part that wants to grow responded with the Go signal.

All good. You handled it splendidly.

Copyright March 2015 by Arthur Burk

From the Lab

 

Sally and Suzie #17


My phone call with Suzie didn’t go so well.  First I was pleased that she called and initiated.  That was nice.

We first talked a little bit of other things, then I validated her soul but asked it to step to the side.  I asked Giver if he could hear me and there was nothing.  So I asked her whole spirit if it could hear me and the answer was yes.  Also said that the spirit is actually doing well.

I asked if the spirit knows what happened to Giver.  If he went away by himself because it was too dangerous in the clinic, or if something was done to him.  The reply was that something was done to him.  When he tries to do something he gets chased away.

The whole time when we spoke it was quite noisy, but I didn’t say anything.

I thanked her spirit for connecting with me and spoke to Giver and said that nothing has changed in his essence, he is valuable . . .

When we finished, I mentioned that it was quite noisy.   Suzie said she was doing laundry.  That was not so nice, I think.

Then she said, “Do you think this is of any value?”

She said, “You don’t know what it is like; this didn’t happen to you.”

I said to her, “I do know and many things happened to me, but it is a process.  Sometimes it goes faster, sometimes a little slower, sometimes nothing happens.  It is a journey.”

Something that she mentions often is that she wants deliverance.  The demons are very mean to her and make her life really hard.  She did get a lot of deliverance already, from different people, but it never changed and came back mostly the same day.  I know she wants that too from me, and I explained again how important it is to get the spirit stronger.  I shared with her out of my own experiences.

But I also said to her, “Please be free if you don’t like to do that, we don’t have to do it.  And also if you say you don’t want anymore, this is fine, and it will not change anything in our relationship.”

She said she will think about it and will let me know.

It is sad, but all that you shared already in your couching me really helps, also in this situation now.

* * *

Part of working with survivors is dealing with their emotional instability and not letting it make you unstable.  You walked well today, not rebuking her for the rudeness of doing laundry, pushing back against the lie that you don’t understand but ending with an open hand, allowing her permission to leave.  I am very consistent in giving people permission to leave.  I never want them to feel trapped or obligated.  I am not the only source out there, and they must choose each time to connect with me.

In terms of deliverance, this is a valid point.  She has demons and they are mean.  The soft spot is that you have not done much deliverance, and you will have to grow in your self-confidence.  This means you will fail many times, and you have to be comfortable with that growth process.  And she will have to be comfortable with your failure.

For now, I would keep working with her spirit but would begin to discuss deliverance, assuring her you will go there eventually.  The question is where to start.  So be looking and listening for what is going on so you can pick off some specific critter and engage with intentionality.

Once you get a sense of where you want to go, let me know and we will develop a strategy.

It will be fun to see you putting a hurt on the enemy instead of being beat up by them like in the past.

Copyright March 2015 by Arthur Burk

From the Lab

Sally and Suzie #16


In the last several days I have been having difficulties connecting with Suzie.  It is not that she or I don’t want to, but almost every day something comes up to interfere with our plans, or happens just as I call.

Today we spoke about the labels they have put on her in the clinic, and I could reaffirm her that the debacle is not because of her, or that she is not willing but it is simply that they did not have the right tools.  I pointed out to her how she fought to get there.  They told her she is rebellious, stubborn and all of that.  I know she is NOT and wants to get free.

So I prayed through the things you mentioned, and it felt something happened.

Because of an interruption we could not connect with Giver.  We will try again tomorrow.

I feel like I am having trouble getting traction here.

* * *

OK, Sally, we have a couple of layers here.

First there is the natural.  Anytime you are working with SRA/DID it is going to be an uneven, uneasy journey.  Your primary responsibility is to pick a position and be consistent with it.  Your position can be anywhere on a line from owning almost all of the responsibility to owning almost none of it.

The former you usually only do when you are dealing with acute suicide ideation.  If you have decided it is your battle to own, then you will take the initiative several times a day to stay in touch with the person, and you will specifically pursue when they are silent.

I usually position myself on the other extreme.  I take almost no initiative at all.  If someone cancels, I acknowledge it politely and leave the door open for them to initiate when they want a fresh connection.  I am willing to let them go silent for days or months, since I don’t have any sense of competition, and I am sure they will be back sooner or later.  If they get well by themselves and don’t need me anymore, that is fine too.   I simply don’t do ownership.

Now, let me repeat.  The important thing is not where you position yourself.  It is that you become consistent in your posture, so she knows that if she cancels, you will be available again tomorrow at 9:00, or you will call her to reschedule, or she has total responsibility to reschedule.  Don’t leave ambiguity.  The devil can really yank them around with “does-she-love-me-anymore-or-does-she-wish-I-would-go-away?”  By being consistent in your stance, you add a solid piece to the life of a survivor who is bouncing around their own world.

So that is the answer in the natural.  You may just adopt a waiting game, letting her get settled in at home, working out the details of reentry into domestic life.  Possibly some space would do her good.

On the other hand, someone who is walking with a survivor has the tool of intercession at all times.  With Suzie we have frequent schedule glitches.  That suggests some possible demonic agitation.   You could press in on the Canaanite curse, or 6th head.  You could pray for peace in the home over all.  You could sanctify the times you have set apart.  You could pray for her place in the community of the home to be reestablished and secured and honored.

Ponder what you know about her domestic situation and determine whether you want to pray wide, about a number of things, or press in on a single item with a vigorous prayer trigger.  For example, every time you get interrupted or cancelled, you could invest in intercession all of that hour that was set aside for ministry to her.

Pray for her husband, since he is the primary support person for her, that he would find the grace to keep on going day after day with all of the disappointments of life with a survivor.  Bless her Giver spirit from a distance with being able to step up and reestablish good community for the family around the dinner table.  Deal with jealousy in the family picture.  I know her kids must be hurting too.  Are any of them jealous of the fact that she is hurting enough to get a lot of attention while their pains are ignored?  Cover jealousy at home in every possible configuration.

Then when you have established a prayer focus, watch to see how soon things shift.  Right now there is major devouring of the schedule.   Will it clear up in two days?  If so, you had just opportunistic varmints.  If nothing moves for two weeks, then there is some deeply entrenched demonic power we need to look at more closely and develop a more painful strategy to dislodge.

Copyright March 2015 by Arthur Burk

From the Lab

 

Sally and Suzie #15


Suzie will be back this week from her time away. She has been in a Christian mental health clinic and had high hopes of receiving some healing. Unfortunately, the truth is that she comes back worse than when she left. It was not only that they couldn’t help her, but they blamed her for not doing enough and made her feel lots of condemnation. But I know she tries so hard.

Suzie feels very hopeless now. She is sufficiently destabilized that she can’t work anymore, so she is stuck with the label of being disabled which doesn’t help her sense of shame either.

Something interesting happened while she was away, though. Her complete depression changed into anger and rebellion. She has so little hope that she says, “Now I just do what I feel like doing, because nothing helps anyway, so at least I can have a little bit of fun.”

I am feeling quite overwhelmed with the situation, because there are so many things to do. I need to work with her spirit, her soul, do deliverance . . .  It looks like a big mountain. But I feel for her and want to help her.

I appreciate a lot your coaching!!!

Sally

* * *

OK, Sally. This response of mine is going to sound a bit harsh, but here it is anyway.

In 2006 when I did about 40 seminars for the inner healing community, I came to realize that this is largely a very wounded population. While wounded healers have always been around, it seems as though the percentage of healers who have not progressed far enough in their own journey is really high right now.

As a result of that, too many people have their legitimacy wrapped up in being successful, and if they can’t help the client, they have to blame the client for the problem since they cannot allow themselves to face lack of success.

So in the religious sector, the hurting person “doesn’t have enough faith.” In the clinical sector, the client “doesn’t want to change and isn’t working hard enough.”

Sally, this is just screamingly cruel. Oh, I know there ARE situations where a person truly doesn’t want to do the hard work, but the speed with which most healing professionals will turn to blame and delegitimize the client is simply wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, and it makes me very angry.

So you have a lot of work to do here, but your first step is to address the condemnation. Start by pointing out how much effort she put into going to this clinic. You know the story well. It was a big, big deal. She fought through the legal and financial and other barriers to get there because it was such a highly regarded Christian institution, and there was nothing like this in her country.

Solidly establish the reality of how badly she wanted to get help.

Then address the fact that it is the mental health practitioner who has the primary responsibility to find the key to unlock her prison. Admit that the people she went to could not do it, but that does not mean she is a bad person. It means they just didn’t have the key in the period of time allotted.

Then drill down on the issue of tenacity and resilience. Tell your story. Sally, your journey to healing was one of the most clumsy, messy, stupid, painful, ridiculous ones I have heard of in a long time. So many well intentioned people did so much rubbish to you. Often you were wounded by the so called healers.

How many hours of deliverance prayer did you have that didn’t work because the people just didn’t have what it took? Think of the barrel of prophetic words that were supposed to heal you and didn’t.

And ponder all the work on your spirit that was utterly bogus, no matter how confidently proclamations were made that all is fine with your spirit now.

But at the end of the day, you have progressed far enough in your journey to be life giving to her, because you were resilient and tenacious. After each debacle, you crawled in a hole, pulled the hole in after you, flooded it with tears, wondered what was wrong with you that God did not answer your prayers and then a week or two later you risked to let some other person minister to you.

Like I said, your journey makes me shudder it was so stupid, but look at you now! Along the way some things went right.

Now, you need to confront this issue of the prison that Suzie is in. Tell her point blank that you don’t have the keys. Also tell her that you DO have some tools that might work. Promise her you will never shame her for her lack of growth and offer to walk along side her for the long term.

If she is willing to let you fail 10,000 times or so, it is quite likely that you can get her far down the road toward healing. You can bring the same persistence you used in your life to bear on her life, and the successes in the midst of the failures will take her far.

Now, let’s talk about her anger and rebellion. This is a good, good thing! But I know the clinic and the devil are whacking at her for being a rebel – a good Christian cuss word.

The psychological community says you can’t spit and swallow at the same time. Swallowing refers to stuffing the pain of feeling blocked and spitting refers to outward actions of anger. Anger and depression are roughly the same animal. Both are an emotion you feel when you are blocked or trapped. Depression surrenders to the pain and anger lashes out against it.

Personally, I find anger much more viable to work with than depression, so I am glad she is mad enough to act out. In reality, the things she did are fairly minor, but for a good Christian girl, they represented a pretty solid break with the non-reality of playing the game while she was bleeding inside.

Go to your story again. There was one point in your life where you had a chance to change communities of faith. You had a very co-dependent relationship with your spiritual leader. Those around you were sure you would not be able to leave. It was a very harsh, wounding leaving, but you could only do it because something rose up within you and allowed you to fight back against all the condemnation and guilt manipulation. In the end, you got angry enough to “rebel” your way out of that community into a new one.

So celebrate her anger, and tell her you will help her channel it against the right enemies.

Now, where to start?

First, legitimize, legitimize, legitimize. Talk for hours if needed to push back against all of the shame and to give her dignity. She IS in a prison. This IS a tough spot. But SHE is still a treasure designed by God, and she is worth your time to invest in a tall list of failures in order to set free the beautiful person who is inside that prison.

Second, do some warfare prayer. Go to God about the judgments made against her, the labels placed on her and the agreements people entered into about and against her.

Ask God to open the books and bring before His court every word or thought, written or spoken about her, and ask Him to judge all of those words. And if there is anything that is not true and right and just, ask Him to destroy the power of those words.

Specifically address the words “never, won’t, can’t, always” and such.

Be sure and ask God to destroy the power of agreement. I am sure that the leadership of the clinic had some discussions about her and came to some agreements about her woundedness and her “unwillingness” to get healing. Specifically ask God to destroy the power of all agreements against her that He does not agree with.

Then you make a proclamation. You have known her for a long time. Speak to God about the beauty you see in her, explain why you think she is “worth” your investment and invite God to come into agreement with your assessment of her being a treasure, if He finds your words to be true.

When that is done and the dust has settled, speak to Giver. All you really want to do is to validate that Giver still exists and still has a future. This clinic obviously does not know about the human spirit, but point out to Giver that their ignorance of this concept does not change the reality. Nothing they said or did on the soul level has changed Giver. Giver is still there, still alive, still able to talk to you and still able to receive blessings from you.

Be prepared with one of the blessings from the Giver blessings on our website, so after you have chatted with Giver and validated the survival of the human spirit, give a big, old, multilayered, high octane blessing to start this next season.

Get back to me after you have that conversation, and we will decide where to go next.

Arthur

Sally and Suzie #14


This morning was my last phone call with Suzie before she will be gone for a while.

The Teacher portion of her spirit did an amazing job over the last few days. It had looked like a huge mountain for Suzie to get everything done in time before leaving but she made it and has some breathing time left as well.

First I checked in again with Giver and asked him how he is doing. He is doing okay and he wanted me to bless him again in his design and how God made him, which I did.

When I asked Teacher if there is anything he would still like to have, he wanted me to pray for time for him. He needs some time for himself to organize and leave things in as good shape as possible.

I prayed and blessed those two portions of her spirit as well the others.

I blessed Suzie’s Original Self, not knowing if she could hear me.

I also spoke to Suzie’s parts sharing some comforting words.

It felt very special to bless Suzie’s whole being and to mention that everyone is important — each portion of her spirit, as well her soul and every part of her soul.

When we finished, Suzie said she has never experienced something like this before.

I suggested to her to be still and soak a bit in it before doing something else.

* * *

You are doing a good job of maintaining Giver while moving on to Teacher. It will get complicated in the future when you have seven portions of the spirit and the Original Self and a bunch of parts all needing attention in a single phone call.

Notice that Giver does not know what he wants. He found the design things you had given him to be valuable, so he just asked for the same again. He is feeling turbulence about the coming event, so he asked for the only kind of “comfort foot” he knew which was the familiar validation of a few parts of his design.

Here is where mothering and fathering come into play. A mother addresses the spirit in the context of felt need. A father addresses the spirit in the context of design and building for the future. On the day before a challenging parting, it was quite appropriate for you to be mothering and to unload a truck full of comfort and validation.

However, long term, when she comes back, after you debrief and get settled back into a rhythm, you need to have a plan for taking Giver to the next level through fathering. In the past, you looked for what he did, found some things and legitimized him. Now we need to start equipping Giver to move from slavery to sonship.

A slave is obedient. He does what he is told to do with precision and timeliness. A son does not need instructions much of the time. He assesses the landscape, sees resources and opportunities and plays a Scrabble game, putting his assets in the best available place in an imperfect world. We need to move Giver toward initiative beyond the things he has been doing for years.

One option would be to direct Giver to the 12 blessings in the Articles section. The first six are about the specific things that God gives the Giver and the second six are about the things the Giver is supposed to give to the world.

In the spirit of sonship, it would be good for Giver to go there on his own, read, digest, ponder and then come back to you with questions or comments. You could work through each one of those individually helping Giver transition from my world to Suzie’s world.

In the process of this, you will, of course, open up the huge issue of receiving from God instead of you. You are currently her god – no one has been as life giving in as many vital ways as you. So you need to move soon to nurturing a connection between her and God, not in the context of religion, but in the context of daily life – receiving from God, building for God and getting a pat on the back from God, not just from you.

Alternatively, you have a friend who has done a written workup on the Slavery to Sonship videos. You could direct her to work through some of that material and discuss applications to her own life.

You basically have six weeks to really load up on your prep, so that when she comes back and you sync with her, you will have a large number of cards in your hand and have lots of choices as to how you play them.

Teacher has scored nicely with the first felt need. You have credibility with him, but it is a narrow picture. This needs to be widened soon. In anyone, I treasure the Teacher portion of their spirit because it carries the priestly mantle for reconciliation and she surely has some portions of her spirit that are alienated from God or the rest of her spirit or mankind in general.

Sooner or later you will really need Teacher to understand his role and be able to walk in it, because the Giver gift is poor in that regard. An immature Giver will deny alienation. A mature Giver will usually want to put people in a room and get them to talk it out themselves, without Giver’s moderating. So you need Teacher.

After finding out a few more things that he does in daily life, branch off to the concept of reconciliation. When you have articulated it nicely for him, share that this is everyone’s responsibility, but by design, it is his specialty.

When that is comfortable language, then introduce the concept of the office of priest. Eventually, when the time is right, you will ask Christ the High Priest, to put him in that office in the manner He deems appropriate.

You don’t know whether that will be soon, or only when the spirit is ready to enter the Seat of Dominion. That is strictly Jesus’ business and you don’t determine when it is, or how He does it. It is simply your job to prepare Teacher for that role and office at some time in the future.

In the meantime, Teacher could read up on the multitude of reconciliation stories there are in Scripture and immerse himself in that concept.

I am impressed with your wisdom in reaching out to the whole of her humanity. You did well to simply speak in the direction of Original Self without expecting a response at this time. We normally do that a number of times before seeking engagement.

While you have prep time, why not prepare a series of blessings for Original Self? Think back to your own journey. What would you have liked to have your counselor speak into Original Self during the excruciating uncertainty of transition from Outer Darkness, through the valley of the shadow of death, into the early stages of the journey through time?

If you were to continue to work with her spirit, but regularly send a blessing that did not require response in the direction of Original Self, it might prepare her for your eventual request for engagement.

Now, you have no idea how Suzie will return. Being completely disconnected from her support system at home is a daunting prospect. And you know she is going to be rattled, shaken and stirred where she is going. She might come back in surprisingly good shape or she might feel she has lost all the ground she ever gained and that life is not worth living.

Either way, your answer is the same. The spirit God made does not vanish. It might go silent and might retreat from the trauma, but the spirit is there, and it is her core asset, and no one can take that away from her. So you go forward.

Meanwhile, kudos to you. A couple of months ago you doubted your ability to weakly apply a few of the principles you have learned from our material. Now there is so much authority in your voice, that you bring astounding comfort to her whole being.

AND your spirit is so sure of what to do that you run ahead every time you see an opening and engage more parts of her humanity.

Well done.

May your tribe increase.